Good morning Groover, what a gorgeous morning in Sydney. Sun rays to you, wherever you are.
I met a cool chick over the weekend, well actually I’d met her before but now after sharing a hairy junior social media experience and a bottle of wine over the weekend, I think I have a bit of a girl crush.
She’s funny, gorgeous, smart, has a degree in fine arts AND a super duper photography certificate thingy. She does up houses, you know with lime-washed floors and fancy curtains she had made in Bangkok because they were $1,200 there instead of $25,000 here. Sigh. Creative envy.
Mr Lucas liked her too, which is a good thing for someone so painfully shy, normally I have to coax him out to play unless there’s a bike or golf clubs or some other boy apparatus to fiddle with.
Anyway, my new fab friend Vic sent me some awesome photos of alleyways, because I might call this blog Exploring Life’s Alleyways, given that’s what I do all the time in my head.
Then because we were food fantasising, we got to talking about grocery shopping, and whether we liked it, so there goes my brain doing its thing picturing walking up and down the aisles with the trolley and just as the thought “no, I don’t like grocery shopping at the supermarket very much,” forms in my head, the next one comes along, “but think how lucky you are because there are plenty of people in the world who have no food and you’re moaning about grocery shopping,” “I’m not moaning, I’m just saying I don’t like it,” and on and on they go arguing in my head until I shout “just shut up and let me think will you?” So they plonk themselves down on the floor, cross their arms and sulk. Jesus. It’s exhausting living with these women in my head.
So back at the grocery shopping, whatever the women say, this is how we decided we’d like to do grocery shopping:
French market, provencal basket on arm, picking rustic ham, runny stinky cheese and purple tomatoes on the vine to go with un crusty baguette. Pause for a petit cafe-au-lait once or twice, and then a nice lunchtime kir while contemplating the next move. Sniffing peaches, pressing avocadoes, just soaking up the utter gorgeousness in the sun. There are no children with us, sticking their sweet little hands in the processed food aisle. There is no processed food to argue about. There are no over coiffed women with skinny bums….. oh wait this is France. As you were.
Failing the above if as I am, you’re stuck with Woollies or Coles and feeding the hungry five thousand, here’s a suggestion ticket for our monolith providores:
On entry please supply either a tequila shot, or a wheatgrass shot for the diehard green juicers. Fire Michelle Bridges and your ad agency, because I do not want to see her self-righteous face and muscly chest in my life any more, seriously Woollies you have really rogered that joint campaign you’ve done together. End.of.Credibility. AND what’s worse you’ve taken away my Qantas miles rewards. I spend an arm, a fat thigh and a coven of virgins in your store every week and now you’re competing on value and discounting your already over inflated prices back to the median in the guise of ‘discounts?’ Sod off. I think I’ll move to Aldi for that.
I digress, post welcome shots, please provide a coat and bag check, nightclub style, for the extra baggage, and escort us through to the first aisle where there will be a DJ, resplendent in Dr Dre headphones, spinning the latest groove tunes.
We debated roller skates but it’s hard enough wheeling the trolleys anyway without complicating things further by adding another set of wheels. Once we have selected our goods, please provide a buff young male to remove the trolley gently from our hands, pack up our groceries and deliver them to our kitchen bench while we adjourn next door for a foot massage, a coffee and a calorie free hot sticky bun. Ok? Thanks.
How else can we improve grocery shopping?
Footnote; this just in from Vic after her shopping experience today at Aldi: “I just asked the young boy on the checkout what would make shopping better … He wants Strippers… He looked all of 12.” *shakes head*