Dear bra company people,
Please put down your cup of morning coffee to read my plea. Are you ready?
I am a parent to three very active boys and a sports mad husband, and have recently taken up running again. The parent element of my story means my boobs require a little more support than they perhaps used to.
Running, as you are aware, involves bounce. We’re not talking a little jiggle, we’re talking full-on-Michael-Jordan-slam-dunk-those-E-Cup-puppies with every footfall. Boob G-Force is not conducive to natural athleticism, it is conducive to locked trapezius muscles, a compressed rib cage, permanent sciatica and general “why am I doing this-ness.”
I speculate that if I were an EPL footballer or TdF cyclist with bounce issues, there would be a range of sports bras in all different sizes and shapes, with matching chammy creme, lipstick and a serving wench to fit them, now available in all leading retailers. Queen Serena Williams, not short of a little bounce herself, appears to be happy with her bounce control but maybe hers is custom designed. I don’t know.
Back in the days of elasticity, before children (BC), before any bra designers had cottoned onto the idea we large-boobed women liked to be active as well, I’d wear a bra, with a swimsuit over the top, and a sports top over the top of that, to reduce the risk of blacking my eyes and breaking my back.
Progress inched its way forward and bingo, someone invented the sports bra. Alas, it was many years before it appeared in anything over a C cup. Progress inched further once more and we made it to a DD cup. Elated, I squeezed the twins into a range of these and added a sports top layer.
A few years back, an active wear brand created the mother of all sports tops with an inbuilt over shoulder boulder holder fastened inside. Hallelujah! Then for some utterly inexplicable reason, they stopped making it. This happens, I find, regularly.
Last year I went to London and being the beneficiary of a strong $A and a paid job at the time, I paid a visit to the Queen’s very own purveyors of lingerie. Now, I have no idea whether Her Majesty has need of a larger cup size but she sure has a bigger budget than I do. Notwithstanding the eye watering expense, I was fitted by the splendidly no nonsense young lady with the killer eyelashes into a mega structure called the Shock Absorber.
Never friends, never, have I felt more secure, more safe and supported than I did in my Shock Absorber brassiere for the royal sporting lady. That scaffold tended my queenly parts almost every day for more than a year as I strode into the nether, until last week, disaster. The back hook snapped. The puppies exploded out of the scaffold into my flouro green running vest. Quite unseemly.
So up I go to Chatswood to look for a replacement. Right at the back of Myer I find a section of bras marked ‘sports.’ I discount most of them on account of their suitability for a pre-teen with their obvious lack of support, but am drawn to the ‘bounce rating’ proffered by a major brand. Apparently SF4 is the bra of bras for “extreme impact activity.”
On goes SF4, I stretch, poke, bend, huff and wriggle into it, stand back and look at myself in the mirror. i jump up and down spin, skip and jiggle. I try a bigger size to see if it allows me to breathe more easily. Too big, wriggle back into the first version. I part with $85, not very happy.
So this morning out comes SF4 for its inaugural test. I let off the straps, jump up and down, too much bounce. I clip up the clippy thing at the back, yahoo! my boobs are plastered to my chest, the only problem is, barely any of me can move either. My ribs are compressed, the straps are digging into my trapezius muscles and the rib band is riding up despite the underwires. My run is like gyrating in a straight jacket.
So here we have it bra manufactures and designers, will you please get your SHIT together and make a decent sports bra because I can’t afford to keep asking Her Majesty for help?
Thank you, large-boobed, teeny rib-caged ladies appreciate it.
As you were.
Do you have sports bra issues?
What would you say to to bra designers?